Just Venting #3

Today we will talk about trust. No, I’m not talking about a trust account. I’m talking about the trust you gain between you and an individual. Let me ask you this, what is trust to you? We can all admit trust is sometimes hard to gain, at least for me it is. One of the most difficult things from me to do is trust and open up. My trust issues have worsen over the past year. I keep what I go through hidden. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are invalid, they are unimportant. So why share when they will just get pushed aside. To me, it’s best to keep to myself and just deal with it. 2018 was the year that really messed me up and no matter how hard I try to break out of this funk, it seems impossible. I feel trapped in this seal tight box I can’t seem to break out of and this box gets fill to a point where I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts and emotions.

As of now, the only person that I trust is my brother. He knows some of my thoughts and feels. I try to open up to my mom’s side of the family but I don’t spend enough time with them and they have their own lives to deal with. I definitely don’t need to be a burden to these people I just met 3 years ago. I only talk to one of my cousins from my dad’s side of the family. We talk here and there which I appreciate but anyone else, not really. I tried reaching out but they show no interest. It could be me because I can be negative nancy at times. I can’t blame them. It definitely does take time to know the me. That’s the side that I genuinely love but she doesn’t instantly show up. It takes time and once she’s out, she’s out! You’re probably asking “well does she have friends or a significant other?Since she can’t trust and open up to family.” Let me answer those 3 questions for you. Do I have friends? Yes I do. We all do but I have friends that rarely talk to. Its only a handful. I keep my circle tight. Again, this is where the trust issue part plays a major role. Do I have a best friend? Not anymore. Do I have a significant other? No. But I do have someone in mind I would like to get to know but another part of me refuses to make small talk with this person. I don’t even know if he’s taken or not. Plus, he’s a coworker and he’s superior, so nothing will happen. And don’t mention “The Office” because life doesn’t work that way. I do know some friends that actually found their happily ever after in the work place but in my case, it doesn’t work like that. I can keep dreaming. This is another area where trust issues play a part and I dislike being judged. Especially from someone I seek interest in. Anyway, enough of that. Gross.

To answer the question above. Trust. Trust and love are big words to just throw around. But trust, trust is someone who can make you feel comfortable that you can let your guard down, you can openly show your emotions too, have deep raw conversations but still create fun long lasting memories with, someone you can tell your deepest secrets too, someone who won’t judge you and will accept you for you, shows an act of kindness towards you, lends a listening ear, understanding, wants the best for you, is there when you need them, and I can go on and vice versa. To me, that is trusting someone with your feelings and thoughts. As I mentioned 2018 was a very rough year for me. The thing that affected me the most is the people that left my life all taught me something. From my dad, to my ex boyfriend, to my best friend, and finally to a person I became really close to that kept pushing me towards the right direction. But life happens and there is things you can’t control. All this really affected the way I trust people. I also learned that I get attached to people quick but that’s a whole other topic. Something I might vent about later. I know death is inevitable, relationship don’t always work out and there’s always a lesson learned, people grow apart and some people are just meant to people in your life just for a season or they just entered your life at the wrong time. I know how I am feeling now won’t last long if I don’t allow it to. I just have to keep on fighting as I’m doing now. Life changes and nothing stays the same. I just have to roll with the punches and just continue to better myself and continue to thrive to become the person I want to be. This is just a small portion of my life and I know I have so much more ahead of me. With time, things will get a little better and I will become a little stronger. For you that are going through the same thing or have a similar situation remember, it all takes time. There will be times where you’re just tired of fight but don’t. Keep on going and remember to breathe and tell yourself Everything’s Otay. Thank you for reading!

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