I know it’s been awhile since I released a post. And I’m deeply sorry for that. There’s been a lot going on. Today I won’t be stating facts or sharing videos to back up my facts. Today, is going to be a little different. Today, I just want to vent. I don’t make promises but I won’t keep you long.
These past 2-3 months have been filled with blessings! We moved into a new place in a beautiful environment, I decided it was time for a change, went out of my comfort zone and applied for a new job, and finally got my goals in line for the future. I’m very proud to accomplish what I have planned. Your probably thinking “That’s wonderful! Great things are headed her way!”, “I’m so happy for her!”, ect. You think I’m filled with joy and happiness. Truth is, I’m very thankful but I lost my happiness. It could be due to the amount of stress I’m dealing with.
Lately, I’ve been feeling… lost And down. I’m thankful for this new place my siblings and I have moved into but it doesn’t feel like home. The environment is nice and I love the fact that I am able to take a walk in the morning knowing that I will be alright walking alone. Again, it just doesn’t feel like home. I know it takes some time getting use to. My new job is GREAT! Everyone is super kind, super friendly and supportive but I feel like I don’t belong. Yes, I just arrived to this new job a few weeks ago but I feel like I don’t fit in. I feel like I’m failing. Even though the trainers are telling me “you’re doing great, have more energy and have confidence…” but I feel like I’m not doing enough or I’m not enough. I thought I was going to come into this new job with excitement and just killing it. And my BIGGEST mistake is catching feelings for someone at the work place. I’ve only known him for a few weeks but his smile, laugh, his wisdom and his personality is what captures my attention and he as a soothing voice. I can go on and on about the little things I find attractive about him. Do I want to get to know him? Of course! Am I going too? No. Does he know I find him very attractive? No. Will I ever tell him? Absolutely NOT. I left a post it on his desk saying “Thank you for everything” with my name on it of course because he deals with hundreds of people. He was the one that helped out tremendously. Did he see the note? I don’t know. Do I want to know? Nope! As you can see I have my walls up extremely high. Especially towards someone I find extremely attractive. I also would like to thank my cousin for referring me because if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have gotten this job. I’m also thankful for the help she gave me for this job position along with my other cousin. I love my cousins deeply but I find it difficult to let them in. I really want them to be part of my journey but something in me just pushes them away and I create this wall between me and them. They’ve been nothing but kind, sweet, loving people and I’ve been a total jerk. I love there caring souls and sweet gestures. I wish they could see the fun side of me but every time we get together that side remains hidden. I love them to death and wish nothing but the best for them and I pray one day we become closer then ever.
And lastly, my goals I have set for the future. These goals are dear to me. I’m ecstatic to accomplish them! But I’m frustrated due to no time and my financial means not allowing me to at the moment. As you stick around and read my blog, little by little the goals will be revealed.
Those are just some of the few things that have been eating at me lately. They might seem small and an easy fix but to me they are huge and difficult to overcome. I’m a mess and I know I’ve been isolating myself, I know I’ve been pushing people away which I HATE. I haven’t been the kindest, sweetest, and generous person lately but I’m trying to change. I want to be that person I know I can be. And for those that I’ve hurt while going through these waves of emotions, I’m sorry 😔. I might not show it or say it but I care deeply for you all. You all are on my mind and I love you guys.
I know I’m not the only one that has been through waves of emotions like this. For those of you that are feeling the same way please share your stories in the comment section. I would love to hear them. Share how you over came it. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I love you all and remember, Everything’s Otay! Let’s take it day by day and one step at a time.